God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
