Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
