If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
