I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
