Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
