I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
