I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
