I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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