Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
