So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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