if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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