Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I deserve this hangover.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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