I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
