When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
