haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
