my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
