Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Im part way to drunk.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
