Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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