im so drunk with asians
where?
always
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
