Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think my moral compass just broke
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
