I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
