david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
