I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
