you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
