Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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