So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
