dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
