dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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