Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
