I could make wine with my vomit
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't deserve a penis
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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