I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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