he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
