Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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