so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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