i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
