he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
