3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
