I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
