Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
