By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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