Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
