i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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