I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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