I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
