70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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