they need to just BURY HIM!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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