Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
