Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
