Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
