So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
