hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
